I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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