Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
