Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
