dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
