Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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