i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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