I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
