I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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