Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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