I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Boobs are out for the taking
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
