Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
