I hate all girls vehemently.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
