you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
