booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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