I'd wear matching sweaters with you
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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