I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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