All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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