I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
