Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
