I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
