thus making me awesome and them whores
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
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