I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
