I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
