Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize