need another drink. this is the easiest way
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
