I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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