If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
