he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
