My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
