Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
