Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
