So drunk its hurt
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
