Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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