Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
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