I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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