Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
