it wasn't lemon gatorade
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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