You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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