oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
