i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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