I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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