Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
