I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
