when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
