using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
