I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
