Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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