the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
How naked do you want me to be?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
