She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
