Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You did what with his pubic hair?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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