So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
