dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
