I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
