I need to stop coming to work sober
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
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